


Answer

by 48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel is Jack's Dad, Gen, I wanted it be fluff but I'm bad at not writing angst, attempted hurt/comfort, cas centric, dean critical but i tried to make it vague because this isn't about him, idk what else to tag this as, throwing canon out the window, vaguely s14-s15 timeline wise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27468154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue
Summary: Cas thinks about what he has chosen and the life he wishes to build after he takes Jack somewhere safe.(AKA Cas leaves with Jack at some unspecified time and they are happy somewhere living in their own space.)
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	Answer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kaiyote](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaiyote/gifts).



> so uh, in light of recent events, idk if you are avoiding SPN entirely, and um, I don't think we've ever talked and I apologize if this is out of left field or overstepping, but I wanted to write you a thing, because I like your Cas meta I've seen.
> 
> and also because I want you to know your anti-Dean breakdown of his mistreatment of Cas also helped me un-gaslight myself in a bad situation and was one of the reinforcing things that helped me leave behind some bad stuff irl a few years back and I still read it sometimes.
> 
> so like... thanks for putting that out there and I hope life treats you well.
> 
> also sorry if this was weird and also I apologize if my Cas meta isn't up to snuff, I'm usually hyperfocused on Sam to the point of AU due to my own hangups so it might suck... and also if you don't want it for any reason please let me know and I'll take it down/ungift it/whatever is preferred.
> 
> fic title a song by Phantogram

Cas knows what he thinks about himself and what he actually is aren't always the same thing. But he tries to be a bit more forgiving towards himself.

It takes a lot to unlearn the expectations everyone else places on you, particularly when you've dedicated yourself to someone else so wholly you almost lose who you are in the process.

(And Cas sometimes wonders if he ever really knew who he was, a soldier of heaven defecting time and time again only to be reprogrammed and remade on a whim until he wasn't going to allow himself to be broken into fragments and used any more.)

He knows it's important, if not just for himself, to provide a good example to Jack. Cas is no stranger to self-deprecation, and knows how dangerous it can be when unchecked, and Jack has suffered too many of it's effects from the influence of other people placing too much on his shoulders.

If Cas is going to walk the walk, he has to build himself back up into the angel he always was but forgot too often for it not to be a liability. The one that rebelled and protected and persevered against the odds saying everything was helpless and set in stone, time and time again.

The angel who survived and won against all odds, however helpless, however often so many people and monsters and siblings told him he was worth nothing and was defective and broken and wrong. The angel who knew what mattered and what choices mattered, once upon a time and maybe sooner than he'd like to think.

Castiel, the angel of Thursday, who never knew when to leave anything well enough alone and who questioned and who decided and who withstood. The angel who could love humanity without feeling like he had to confine himself to it.

Who could hopefully teach Jack how to exist peacefully as himself without judgement, maybe by learning how to give himself that closure along the way.

It also helps to drive, physically, even if that's more of a material decision. Place measurements and distance between obstacles that would make achieving stability and safety harder than it needed to be, and while Cas still finds the confining elements of a car to be unique in it's own way, after all these years, it is also nice to call that car his own and have it be a space that didn't feel like it could expand to fit all of what Castiel was, however symbolic.

It isn't flying, or the certainty and power rooted in something celestial and deceptively not eternal but what still felt like it, but Cas finds himself comforted by the routine mundane aspects, and the fact it is his car and space and no one else's. (And maybe, in some way, it is another kind of rebellion, taking something that used to be rooted in something else and making it something else instead. Or maybe it is just another part of earth Cas has become fond of and adapted to, only it didn't grow too much into something untenable or too much- Cas still begrudges the fact he can't enjoy PB&J, while still being as constant and beyond comprehension. You can't have taste buds and eat it too, but there is a comfort in holding on to the little things you make yours when you leave one home to find a better one.)

That, and watching Jack drive along the freeway is calming. He likes to feel like he knows what he's doing, and while there is still a lot of damage to heal, particularly around Jack feeling like he has to be capable and useful to be good and worth something (and Castiel's heart aches, knowing how much he has to undo there), it doesn't change the fact that is something that makes him feel grounded and centered and real.

Castiel buys Jack nougat and ice cream at a gas station and makes sure there's snacks and too many boxes of Cookie Crunch for the rest of the way, as they drive past Montana and deeper forests and to new places to explore, where he can let Jack be a child without the cost of what everyone else tried to mold him into tearing him apart.

(It won't tear either of them apart, not anymore. Not if Cas has any say, and he is not an angel who went against everything and everyone he'd ever known to do what is right and what is good and to protect what needed protecting.)

And when they stop to camp and rest and breathe, they watch the fireflies as a grainy radio of Castiel's newly reclaimed Lincoln Continental hums in the background, without the heaviness of all they've endured feeling like it can hang over their heads.

Cas just lets Jack lean into the crook of his shoulder and carries him back to the car with a blanket when he does finally fall asleep.

And then Cas keeps driving.

(There's something about not being tied to one place that still feels free. Like they can go anywhere, and see anything, even if part of it is just because Cas doesn't want to leave a trail that is easily found.)

**Author's Note:**

> this deserves to be way better i just can't write very well atm and this was way more vague than I wanted
> 
> anyway that's all I got hope your November is good


End file.
